Tag: in my own moccasins

In My Own Moccasins

1 Comment

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Author: Helen Knott
Genres: Memoir, Non-fiction
Pub. Date: Aug. 2019 (read Nov. 2021)

I picked this book up last summer when I was book shopping in Sidney on Vancouver Island (aka the book capital of the Island!). It’s been sitting on my shelf ever since taunting me. In an effort to finally read it, I put it on our book club voting list and it won as our December book pick. 

I was momentarily daunted when I first started the book because I thought it might be a dense read, but I was quickly pulled into Helen’s writing style and engaging storytelling. He holds nothing back in her book foreward, making it clear who she wrote this memoir for and that she doesn’t want your pity or judgement. It’s a sobering reminder that might be off-putting to some, but I thought it was so great because it set the tone upfront that Helen is the custodian of her own story and it is hers to share for her own means. Colonialism has taken enough from her and it is her turn to take something for herself.

I definitely don’t judge her and I hope I empathize with her rather than pity her. But mostly I admire her. Technically, this is well written and I was really impressed by her calibre of writing. She says she is a great lover of literature and self reflection and I definitely found both of these to be true. Memoirs can often be more about the story than the writing since we can’t expect everyone with a meaningful story to tell to necessarily also be a good writer. But Knott has both and it made the reading experience all the more enjoyable.

Emotionally, this book is a roller coaster. Knott splits her story into 3 parts: the dreamless void, the in-between, and the healing. The dreamless void is the longest part of the book and covers her struggles with all kinds of abuse, both from violent acts perpetrated against her, as well as her ensuing addictions to alcohol and drugs. It is the hardest section to read and very much like peeling back the layers of an onion. Her turbulent home-life and the many racial injustices she and her family face chip away at her self worth and she looks for relief in all the wrong places. However, where the right places would be, I really have no idea. 

Knott feels like a bit of an enigma to read about because through all her suffering and addiction, you still get glimpses of a very reflective and accomplished individual. She has pulled herself together on several occasions only to have it all fall apart again when she is unable to face her past trauma. What I admire her for are the in-between and the healing and these are the parts of her story that really stuck with me. She is able to identify the many ways in which colonialism and racism have worked against her and her family. She is able to pinpoint the long term impacts of residential schools while also not being afraid to look critically at herself. Many are unable to escape the cycle of abuse and addiction and I thought her incredibly courageous in being able to face her trauma head on and say, ‘no, I am worth something and I will not let this rule my life anymore.’

So while it is hard to read about the dreamless void, it is critical that we bear witness to it. Not, as Helen says, to educate ourselves or gain insight or humanize indigenous voices. But because these are voices we need to amplify and we have been silencing them for too long. We should be uncomfortable, but we should also be inspired. 

Top 7 Reads in 2021

3 Comments

Every year I try to identify my top 15 reads of the year. Usually I dedicate the top 10 to my best books from 2021 and the other 5 are books published in other years, but I read a few more this year that I loved that weren’t new releases. So this year I have my Top 7 reads in 2021, ordered in terms of how much I loved them:

7. Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See

I love Lisa See’s writing and I’ve slowly been trying to make my way through her backlist books. Snow Flower and the Secret Fan seems to be the most popular of all her novels, so I decided to add it to my TBR for this year. Like her other books, I ended up loving it. It’s a hard read about the Chinese culture of foot binding, but it’s about so much more than that. More accurately, it’s about women’s culture and the friendship and comradery that develops between two girls that come from different socio-economic backgrounds, but grow up together and develop a strong bond.

6. We Are Okay by Nina LaCour

We Are Okay is from another repeat author, Nina LaCour. This is only my second book by her (although arguably her most popular) and I really liked it. It’s a young adult/new adult book about a young girl named Marin starting University after the loss of her grandfather. It’s a simple book about guilt, grief, and friendship. It has a small setting, which the author uses to explore the impacts of grief while we learn more of Marin’s backstory. LaCour is a wonderful writer and I really appreciated the hard honesty in her storytelling.

5. Brooklyn by Colm Toibin

Brooklyn is a rare book that I read after seeing the movie. I loved the movie and didn’t expect that I would like the book quite as much, but fortunately, I did! It differs a little bit from the movie, but mostly I just think this is a timeless tale of what it means to leave home. The tenderness you feel for it, the pain of saying goodbye to your loved ones, and the conflict you feel when you develop those same feelings of love for a new place and new people. I loved both the book and the movie and you can’t go wrong with either one!

4. A Curious Beginning by Deanna Raybourn

A Curious Beginning is the first book in the Veronica Speedwell series, a historical mystery set in London in the late 1800’s that captured my heart this year. It’s been on my TBR for a long time and I flew through the first 5 books in 2021. Veronica Speedwell is such a fun character and I love how the author blends so many different genres in this laugh-out-loud series. I debated stopping after book 5, but I think I’m going to continue on and read the next 2 books in 2022.

3. In My Own Moccasins by Helen Knott

This is another book that was on my TBR for a while that I read in 2021 with my book club. It’s a memoir about healing from addiction and trauma that is incredibly impactful. Helen Knott has experienced years of multi-generational trauma, racism, and sexual violence that leaves her addicted to alcohol and drugs, before finally finding the help she needs to heal her spirit. This is a book that matters because Knott is incredibly honest in her storytelling and highlights that she shares her story predominantly for other indigenous women.

2. Elatsoe by Darcie Little Badger

I haven’t seen a lot of press about this book, but it is so deserving. Elatsoe is a debut novel from Lipan Apache writer Darcie Little Badger. It’s an excellent blend of genres: mystery, fantasy, and young adult, that feels like the most wonderfully wholesome read. It reads a bit more like middle grade to me, but it features teen Elatsoe, who is investigating the suspicious death of her cousin. It blends traditional Lipan Apache myth with fantastical elements and makes for such a fun book!

1. The Wild Heavens by Sarah Louise Butler

The Wild Heavens was one of my first reads of 2021 and it has stuck with me ever since. It’s a character driven story set in remote British Columbia and has the most atmospheric mood throughout the book. It evokes similar feelings to my top pick from my other 2021 list, Once There Were Wolves, as well as other favourites like The Great Alone, so I’m not surprised I loved it. I love remote settings, character driven stories, and local authors, so this was a slam dunk. Intriguingly, Bigfoot is featured in this book, but it’s primarily a book about growing up and growing old – those that we’ve loved and lost and how they influence our lives.